Bitte nicht schlürfen.

Good news, everyone: I suddenly remembered I have a blog! Which is pretty great timing, because I spent a week in Germany and actually have stuff to blog about. (I mean, not that entries entirely devoted to the melting of my ice cream weren’t almost assuredly fascinating. But still.)

First things first: I USED THE MACHINE THAT CARBONATES STUFF (heretofore known as “the fizzy machine”) AND IT WAS DEFINITELY AS AWESOME AS I EXPECTED IT TO BE. I must have fizzed and drank, like, a gallon of water (Wasser) a day. I DIDN’T EVEN WANT THAT MUCH WATER, I just wanted to fizz it. With all that water PLUS the lack of Cheez-Its and Coca-Cola in the Bonn office, I think I am approximately 73% healthier in Germany than I am in the States. No wonder Americans are fat.


EINS. I discovered that I have terrible table manners in Germany. Let me tell you: the moment you realize that you are the only one at the table not holding your fork in your left hand and pushing food onto it with your knife is an uncomfortable one. And it is even more uncomfortable if you DIDN’T HAPPEN TO GRAB A KNIFE AT ALL, because none of the food in question involved cutting! Mein Gott. Tut mir Leid, Leute. I’ll do it right next time, I promise.

ZWEI. You can order cocktails-to-go in Germany, because public drinking is not a thing that is illegal. I DON’T THINK THIS ONE REQUIRES FURTHER EXPLANATION.

DREI. Windows in Germany are hard. Sometimes you have to turn them one way to open them from the top, another way to open them from the side, and a third way to open the entire window. IF THIS IS THE CASE, it is also possible to accidentally do all three (drei) of those things at once, coming narrowly close to leaving the window hanging on by a single hinge.

VIER. Pizza in Germany is just as delicious as pizza in the States. HOWEVER, in the States you cannot eat said pizza with Teddy, Ms. Jackson, and a little giraffe. SIDENOTE: Even if you’ve had vier classes, a 1.5 year old is still better at German than you are.

FÜNF. If you go to a Brauhaus in Köln and order Coke instead of Kölsch, the waitress will not be super nice to you. I OBVIOUSLY DID NOT DO THIS GUYS, but someone next to me did, and the waitress then spent the rest of the night mocking her for having blond hair. TRUE STORY.

SECHS. DON’T LEAVE YOUR BRAND NEW SWEATER ON THE BUS. And, also related to the bus, you should really look into whether you are taking the optimal route, because sometimes you realize on your last day in Germany that there is bus stop approximately 17 (siebzehn) minutes closer to your hotel than the one you’d been taking all week.

SIEBEN. German Frühstück (breakfast) is different, and awesome. Bread and cheese and soft-boiled eggs. Sehr gut.

ACHT: If you attempt to speak German after taking only vier classes, your colleagues will describe your attempt as “a freestyle word mix variation.” Which, in all honesty…I’m pretty pleased with.

We’re getting close to the numbers I no longer know, so I guess I should wrap this up. In summary: Deutschland ist pretty fucking great, and I can’t wait to go back.

That was obviously a joke about the numbers, guys. I KNOW ALL OF THE NUMBERS.

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1 Response to Bitte nicht schlürfen.

  1. Pingback: Atomkraft, Ja, Bitte! [Warum Nicht?] : The Future of Energy Security « The Socio-Political Observer

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