I think I’m dying

Yes, I am being dramatic, but FOR THE LOVE OF GOD there is no way my body can sustain this level of intake vs. outtake for much longer. EVEN MY CAT APPEARS CONCERNED, which he is demonstrating by staring intently at my face for uncomfortable lengths of time.

Good thing I have 52 episodes of the Colbert Report and 29 episodes of The Daily Show to keep me company in my slow travail toward the grave.

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UPDATE #1: The remote is really far away from me, and so I am being forced to watch the local news. I DECIDED I WOULD RATHER DIE THAN WATCH THIS. Some former Miss America has apparently shot a YouTube video of herself breaking down into tears after a TSA patdown at Logan. She is devastated that she, AS AN AMERICAN, has to undergo this kind of treatment. Oh for the love of Christ, shut the fuck up. Oh my god, and Pope John Paul II is soon to be declared a saint. WHY AM I NOT DEAD YET.

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UPDATE #2: Upon venturing into my kitchen to find something I could perhaps handle eating, I heard a loud buzzing sound coming from the bedroom. When I walked in there to investigate, THERE WAS A BEE THE SIZE OF MY THUMB FLYING AROUND. This is not an exaggeration. My cat, who normally tries to eat bugs, actually ran under the bed to hide upon seeing this horrific creature (seriously). Fortunately, I had the wherewithal to scream loudly, and then open the window for him to fly out of, but HOW DID HE GET IN HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE (none of my windows are open), and if a bee the size of my thumb can get in my house, WHAT IS GOING TO PREVENT THE ENORMOUS SPIDERS THAT LIVE ON THE OUTSIDE OF MY BUILDING FROM COMING INSIDE.

I need to move.

Also Nurse Midwife Jen is making me drink Gatorade and I hate Gatorade.

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