So, in general, I am pretty terrible at sleeping, something which is only getting worse as I get older. Here are a few things that will legitimately keep me up at night if they are not remedied immediately. (NONE OF THESE IS EXAGGERATED.)
- My feet are too hot.
- My feet are too cold.
- My cat is sleeping anywhere near my face (which is pretty much all the time, by the way).
- I went to sleep too early.
- I forgot to take my socks off before bed.
- There is an email that I need to write but have not yet written.
- There is an email that I am expecting and have not yet received.
- My downstairs neighbor (who is maybe a stripper I decided, mainly because her hair always looks really nice, even when she is walking her dog absurdly early in the morning; also her dog’s name is Bryce) is talking loudly to her boyfriend (or patron).
- I am outraged about something that happened in American politics.
- I have to do something the next day about which I am nervous.
- My toe is numb. (This is a thing that happens to me, AND DON’T BOTHER TELLING ME I SHOULD GO TO A DOCTOR ABOUT IT, because I already know.)
- I drank Coke at any time after 5;30pm.
- I am pissed at someone and have decided that I need to confront him/her about it
- I ate heavy food after working out and feel like absolute rubbish.
- I am afraid that I don’t feel like rubbish because I ate heavy food after working out, but rather because I caught my sister’s stomach bug from this past weekend, which would really suck.
I notice that an absurdly high percentage of these list items are related to my feet, and I’m not sure what to think about that. Anyway, numbers 3, 9, 11, 14, and 15 are currently true, so, needless to say, here I am writing a blog entry in the middle of the night!
WHAT IS THE THING ABOUT AMERICAN POLITICS THAT IS CURRENTLY OUTRAGING ME, you ask? Obama’s birth certificate, obviously. Yes, guys: OBAMA HAS RELEASED HIS LONG-FORM BIRTH CERTIFICATE, FINALLY. Great! Obama is American. At last, we can put this mindless, idiotic conspiracy theory to rest. OH WAIT! No we cannot, because mindless idiots who believe conspiracy theories are not satisfied by things like “facts” or “official documents,” even though all they’ve been saying for three years is that they want the “facts” and “official documents.”
So, really, the only big news that has come out of the birth certificate news story is this: Pre-birth-certificate-birthers were only categorized as “douchebags.” POST-birth-certificate-birthers (see: Donald Trump, Orly Taitz) have been promoted to ASS CLOWNS. Congratulations, guys! You are all ass clowns. If you need any evidence of this, simply watch Donald Trump’s news conference from this morning, in which he says that he is “really proud” of himself and “honored” that his actions have caused Obama to release this document, which of course he still has to “examine very closely” and “make a decision” about. He also calls into question Obama’s academic records, obviously, BECAUSE WHY NOT?! What other official documents could Obama release that he hasn’t released? WHY CAN WE NOT READ HIS DIARY FROM WHEN HE WAS SEVEN?! WHAT IS HE HIDING?! “Had Lucky Charms for breakfast.” OH MY GOD OBAMA IS SECRETLY AN IRA SYMPATHIZER FROM NORTHERN IRELAND.
(FYI, I do actually have a journal from when I was seven, and it does actually detail things like what I ate for breakfast. It also details dramatic life events such as My Brother Was Supposed to Meet me at the Flagpole and Did Not, and My Sister Wore My Mickey Mouse Sweatshirt without Asking. I also talked about my dog a pretty fair amount.)
Anyway. All these questions about official documents are pretty pressing, I guess, and thank god there are ass clowns like Donald Trump around to ask them, because otherwise CNN would have to spend a significant amount of time covering meaningful news events like Leon Panetta taking over as defense secretary. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ, no one in that story even has remotely interesting hair!
For no particular reason, I will conclude my Donald Trump rant with a picture from my Vegas hotel room, which had a view of Trump Tower.
I could keep writing, but now that I’ve gotten my outrage with American politics off my chest, and now that my cat is sleeping at the foot of the bed, perhaps I can go to sleep. Gute nacht! Or guten abend, because I’m not sure which is correct. I’VE ONLY HAD ONE CLASS GUYS.