Upside: No Philosophy; Downside: No Calvin & Hobbes

When I was about 13 years old, my mother said to me: “You have an addictive personality. Never drink.” THIS MAY OR MAY  NOT have been in reference to the fact that I really liked the Backstreet Boys. Who knows. Hard to say.

I do drink, so far mostly without incident (EXCLUDING THAT ONE KENMORE SQUARE THING), but she was still definitely right about the addictive personality. When I like something, I really like something. For example, I once bought Cheetos from the vending machine at work every day for about three weeks. I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS, but there you go.

Anyway, here is a list of things to which I am currently addicted:

1. Alpacas. Obviously, guys. If you don’t know this already, you are definitely not paying attention. Here are some fun facts about alpacas:

  • THEY POOP ALL IN THE SAME PLACE AND THEY WAIT IN LINE FOR THEIR TURN.

That is it! That is all the fun facts. BUT ISN’T THAT ENOUGH? Come on! I mean, based on this one criterion alone, alpacas are basically more civilized than humans. Have you ever tried waiting in line outside the women’s room at Fenway Park? Well I HAVE, and I would trade those women for a line of alpacas IN ABOUT ONE SECOND. Good god. Also, I’m pretty sure alpacas cannot talk on their cell phones in the bathroom stalls. So.

2. My plants. I have three plants at work. One is a…thing thing. Okay, I don’t know what it is. It was a gift from one of our vendors two Christmases ago, and my boss plopped it on my bookshelf and said, “Here, take care of this.” So I did, BEGRUDGINGLY AT FIRST, until I realized that when you pay attention to plants (i.e., water them), they live and look nice and you feel kind of good about yourself. Anyway, okay. The second is an orchid, which I have already talked about. Currently, my orchid has four flowers blooming and is quite pretty, except that one of the petals looks like someone took a bite out of it. I don’t know. I blame the cleaning lady. The THIRD is an African violet. Actually, I have two of them, BOTH OF WHICH HUNG OUT IN THE TRUNK OF MY CAR FOR SEVERAL WEEKS LAST JULY. (This is true.) No sunlight, no water, and it was probably 120 degrees in there. Until, one day, I was sitting at my desk, and suddenly thought, “Oh, sweet Jesus, I have African violets in my trunk.” I was certain they were long dead, naturally, WHICH IS WHY I let them sit in my office basically without watering them for another 8 months. (This is also true.) Then, one day, for no apparent reason, I thought: “Okay, I’m going to give this African violet thing a try.” And NOW THEY ARE BLOOMING. So, whatever. I am apparently the Plant Whisperer. (WHICH IS FUNNY, because I am constantly talking to my plants, and usually IN a whisper, since otherwise my co-workers get a little weirded out.)

3. Google-translating random German words and then dropping them in emails to my German colleagues. EXAMPLE: donut. EXAMPLE: Okay that is the only one I’ve done so far, but I decided this is going to be a new thing. Sorry, German colleagues!

4. Plaid. Okay, I know this one is pretty trendy right now, but PLEASE BE ASSURED that I have always loved plaid. FACT: I wore a red plaid shirt LITERALLY TO RAGS when I was a freshman in college. Literally, in that, once it was too raggedy to wear, I ripped it up and used the material to patch a pair of pants. (Needless to say, my college roommates did not want a whole lot to do with me.) Anyway, plaid is cool and hipster now, apparently, and you can judge me if you want, but I like it. (I also like skinny jeans, bangs, and funky glasses, AND I AM EXTREMELY UNAPOLOGETIC ABOUT IT. So whatever.)

5. Alcohol. Ha, ha! Just kidding. That was to see whether you were paying attention.

Good lord. For everyone’s sake, I hope something really interesting happens to me soon, because this blog is pathetic.

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