The other day, I watched exactly twenty minutes of Glenn Beck. Now, twenty minutes is not a particularly long time. For example, I cannot get to work in twenty minutes. I cannot go grocery shopping in twenty minutes. I cannot go to the dentist in twenty minutes. I cannot even get ready in the MORNING in twenty minutes. But, take my word for it: when you’re watching Glenn Beck, twenty minutes is actually A FUCKING ETERNITY.
Obviously, Glenn Beck said a lot of objectionable things in the twenty minutes I watched him. I could probably write an entire blog entry about each one! But, instead, I’m going to focus on one of his tamer statements, mainly because it’s going to give me the opportunity to refer everyone to an Eddie Izzard joke. In other words, GET READY FOR SOME SOPHISTICATED COMMENTARY GUYS.
Anyway, so Glenn’s waxing philosophical about how we shouldn’t hate Muslims (okay! we agree on something!), and how people should definitely turn to God to solve all their problems (well! that was fun while it lasted!), or something, and JUST as I am about to go into a trance due to the mesmerizing whiteness of his luscious head of hair, he says:
Books don’t kill people! Why…that’s as ridiculous as saying GUNS kill people!
Okay. Let’s break this statement down. “Books don’t kill people.” Yes! I am on board with this. And, furthermore, I am an EXPERT on the topic, because I work in publishing and can personally attest to the fact that, if I could have killed people with books, several of my authors would probably be dead now. Good.
Next: “Why…that’s as ridiculous as saying GUNS kill people!” Okay, now here’s where the trouble arises. Clearly, this is an allusion to the NRA’s clever and pithy pro-gun slogan – “Guns don’t kill people. People do.” – which was probably something they came up with after Columbine happened and they were like “Oh shit! This is not going to look awesome for us.” (Whatever. I don’t actually know the origin of this saying. Look it up if you care.) But, here’s the thing…THAT IS ACTUALLY A DUMB SLOGAN, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL. This is the part where I refer you to an Eddie Izzard joke.
I mean, let’s agree. The scenario in which I kill someone with a book is pretty hard to envision. Maybe dropping ABAP-Referenz from a great height directly onto someone’s head would do the trick, but imagine the effort and timing that this would require. Not efficient! On the other hand, envisioning a scenario in which I kill someone with a gun is pretty easy. I have a gun! I shoot it! Wow. I didn’t even have to climb any stairs.
The point is, I would like to see a video of Glenn Beck throwing books at deer.