I’m Sorry, But This Entry Is About Condoms

I want to know who decided that “Trojan” would be a good brand name for condoms. Am I MISSING something? Isn’t “Trojan” the EXACT OPPOSITE image you would want to evoke in selling a product that is supposed to keep a thing contained in another thing? Let’s revisit the story of the Trojan horse: a bunch of crafty Greeks construct a giant wooden horse, which they present to a bunch of not-so-crafty Trojans, their enemies, as a gift of surrender. The Trojans, thinking they’re the winners, gleefully bring said wooden horse into their walled city, and celebrate their defeat of the Greeks. Unfortunately for the Trojans, this celebration is premature: because in the middle of the night, a bunch of Greeks stream out from inside the Trojan horse, ready to kick up some serious shit. (Like I said: crafty.)

How are we supposed to understand the Trojan brand name with respect to the story of the Trojan horse? Let’s assess the situation by answering a few key questions about both objects.

1. Is it a great thing?
Trojan Horse:
Seemingly, yes.
Trojan Condoms: DEFINITELY YES! If you’re paying attention to the commercials.

2. Is it made of wood?
Trojan Horse: Most definitely.
Trojan Condoms: Technically, no. On the other hand, though…this kind of works.

3. Does its moment of glory happen during the night?
Trojan Horse: Indeed it does.
Trojan Condoms: Not necessarily, but, again…it kind of works.

4. Does it house potent things?
Trojan Horse: I think it’s fair to assume that angry Greeks are pretty potent.
Trojan Condoms: Presumably, yes.

5. Does it effectively contain said potent things?

The point is, I’m concerned about the ability of Trojan condoms to keep semen from burning down the walls of vaginas.

A thoughtful friend suggested that perhaps Trojan condoms are meant to evoke the image of an impenetrable city, not the story of the Trojan horse. Excellent point, thoughtful friend! This leads me to a revised conclusion: TROJAN CONDOMS ARE IMPENETRABLE, UNLESS YOU DISTRACT THEM WITH SOMETHING PRETTY. Still not great.

I decided to consult the Trojan website to find out if they explained the rationale behind the brand name. I was unable to determine this, however, because I was too distracted by the very first thing I saw on their website: a link imploring me to JOIN THEIR MAILING LIST. Yes, guys. Condom companies have mailing lists now. AMERICA IS TRULY THE GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

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